An issue that comes up frequently in coaching sessions is belonging. Belonging is a major concern for people. We all want to feel that we belong in our intimate relationships, in our families, in our teams, in our circle of friends, in our communities, etc. But instead of feeling that we belong, we feel left out and lonely.
When we feel lonely we work at belonging by trying to figure out who we have to be and how we have to act so that people will accept us. We have this notion that belonging requires that others accept us.
I have a different take. Belonging is less about being accepted by others and more about letting others in to our lives. We feel a sense of belonging when we let others in on what we care about, how we see things, how we feel, what we think, and on our plans to do things.
This is the secret to belonging ...
Belonging is something we allow instead of something others grant to us.
So what gets in the way of belonging are our ways of pushing people away and keeping them out - our defenses. For example, the way we judge others is a wonderfully effective way of keeping others at arms length.
So whenever we're feeling lonely, anything we can do to drop or relax our defenses (e.g., put aside our judgments of them) and let others into our lives will increase our sense of belonging.
I hope this was helpful.
Take care,
-Steve
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