On Living, Leading, (Re)designing, and Coaching

Empty Stories

All stories are told by a teller. The story we're telling determines who the teller is. And the teller determines what story is told. All this is always happening simultaneously.

But any telling can only possibly be partly true as it always will only be part of all that happened. "Just the facts, ma'am," doesn't include what your pulse was when the accident happened. Why is that? So much is left out. Perhaps even the most important parts ... left out of our telling. But we don't know this and we take our telling to be who we really are, to be who they really are, to be what really happened.

So what are we to make of this? We aren't really the character we are in our stories we tell about ourselves. Our stories are empty.

But we can't stop telling some story, can we? I don't know. Probably not. We will continue to tell stories to our friends and co-workers, to our children, to our parents, and to ourselves. We can't give up our storytelling.

So what can we do? We can hold our stories lightly. We can let our stories go when they no longer serve us. We can joyfully invent new stories. And we can take our true role. Perhaps who we are is some great mystery that is acting a part in a fictional play about ourselves. We laugh and cry. We long for love. We suffer. We love feeling the sun as it hits our faces. We relax in the warm embrace of our lover.

Can we enjoy living life - acting in the play - for its own sake and not because, in our story we are coming to someplace or going away from someplace? What if, in reality, there is no coming or going?

Love,

-Steve

Clarity dissolves resistance

My topic for today's musing is resistance. I'm talking about the kind of resistance we experience when we try to make a change in our lifestyle, like adopting a new diet or a new practice like physical exercise or meditation. We all know this kind of resistance. We see it in our friends and family when they try to make changes.  But, more to the point, we know this kind of resistance because we do it too.

When we meet this kind of resistance to change in ourselves many of us try one of these three strategies. We either try to push harder, try to dangle a bigger carrot or wave a bigger stick, or we resort to shaming and guilt trips also known as self-criticism. But none of this really works does it? In fact, all this amounts to is meeting resistance with more resistance. This is not a recipe for change. It leaves us in some form of stalemate with ourselves.

What is this resistance? It turns out that this is the most important question to answer when we meet resistance. Here is what works - answer these questions and engage these practices.

1. Where does the resistance show up in your thoughts? Identify these thoughts when they arise.
2. Where does the resistance show up in your feelings? Feel these emotions as fully as you can.
3. Where does the resistance show up in your body (as perhaps tension or stiffness)? Sense into these areas of your body.
4. Where does the resistance show up in your actions? Observe yourself taking these actions.
5. Where does the resistance show up in your dreams? Reflect and journal about these dreams.
6. Where does the resistance show up in your relationships? Speak openly and honestly to these people about how your resistance is affecting your relationship.

Answering these questions and being with all the ways that your resistance is show up is meeting resistance with curiosity and openness. Answering these questions brings clarity about the nature of your particular resistance. Your clarity melts the resistance in the fire of your own attention. New and creative ideas begin to appear, fresh feelings rise up, your body wakes up, and new possibilities for action show up.

Meeting resistance with more resistance never works. Meeting resistance with curiosity and openness brings clarity, and clarity dissolves the resistance. Try it and let me know how it works for you.

Love,

-Steve